Previous entry got deleted before I could post it.
Feeling pretty blue today. Wish there were something similar to coffee I could take that would just make me feel more excited about work. Even days I’m not on call feel long and lonely.
Finding it hard to be happy too. I’ve tried everything but antidepressants. I maybe just need to have more good conversations or find some activity that just fixes me. I don’t drink anymore and I stopped smoking and I think I really understand why some people develop trouble with substance use.
I don’t think substances are worth it. You really have to change your environment, but that isn’t possible for many people, and it often takes more than a change of environment.
Almost every day feels like I wake up and take a dark staircase down into somewhere without light and then emerge for a while just to repeat it. I wish I could be like those happy energetic doctors who I used to know. Now there really aren’t many of those in my life, maybe three at most.
I often wonder how I find the will to continue. I think I just get lost in a survival state for 24+ hours which then resets.
Sometimes I wish I could just be out in the wildness, starting my own campfires just being in nature, away from pressures and criticisms. I think I’d be alone but not lonely then.
Until then I just have to continue this cycle of survival states until I feel better or good changes come into my life.
I hope all the supportive readers and followers are still out there.