I started listening to Joy Division again for the first first time in a few years. They were one of my favorite bands growing up. “Love Will Tear Us Apart” was the first song of theirs I heard, like many people. There is so much atmosphere in the song with an upbeat tempo. The lyrics seem to have so much despair and defeat, though.
“Disorder” is a song I like more, for the sound and atmosphere. I identify with the opening line “I’ve been waiting for a guide to come and take me by the hand,” since that’s something I wish I had right now. I feel like I’m drifting aimlessly at this point, just floating in the water at night carried somewhere by a soft current. More lyrics that reflect how I feel are “I’ve got the spirit, but lose the feeling.” I want to do more but am so exhausted.
I wish I were capable of being a musician or that I just were a creative person. I bet it could be an interesting pursuit, maybe even therapeutic. The only thing is that medicine is too big to really derail your focused study from it without really falling behind. Everyone around me says you can only be really good at one or two things and it really seems like it if you’re in the medical field.
I remember when I attempted to make this blog interesting and incorporate a lot of humor in it a few years ago, but medicine has so drained me and changed me that I’m not who I used to be. I don’t really laugh or make jokes anymore, mostly because I’m not in the mood for it, and trying to be like that seems so forced. I think medicine really does change people, because of how consuming it is. Being a doctor isn’t like having any other job, it’s pretty unique but also invades every aspect of your life. It’s hard to not think about work during your time off and I feel stress by proxy when I hear people senior to me talk about having been sued or how they’re unhappy or when I hear them go on about their bad moods.
For the past couple of years I’ve wondered if I made the right decision to go into medicine. Maybe it’s just being a resident. People say things get better and some people even seem happy. I think I’ll wait for that, but if it doesn’t seem to come, I’ll have to talk to people and see if they can help me with my perspective or find a better environment.
I feel sad, like a lot of the other physicians who have felt the same and left me supportive comments. I just wish I didn’t feel this way. But things will get better, right?
Long day ahead of me, as always.
I’ll continue walking this path, keep treading water, keep swimming, keep climbing.